You’ve been seeing someone for months. They make you laugh, the chemistry is electric, and you text them goodnight every single evening. But if anyone asked your best friend, they’d say you’re single.
You aren't alone. In modern dating, a growing phenomenon known as "Pocketing" or "Stashing" is taking over. It’s the act of keeping a partner separate from your real life your friends, your family, and your social media feed. But why do we do it? Is it just privacy, or is it something darker?
The Psychology: Fear of Judgment
The most common reason isn't malice; it's fear. Psychologists suggest that hiding a relationship often stems from a deep-seated Fear of Disapproval. Maybe your partner doesn't "look" like the type your friends usually date. Maybe there's an age gap, or they have a job your parents wouldn't approve of.
By keeping them secret, you create a bubble where the relationship exists without criticism. But this bubble is fragile. As relationship expert Susan Winter says, "You can't fully integrate someone into your life if you're constantly guarding the door."
Privacy vs. Secrecy
It's meaningful to distinguish between the two. Privacy is setting boundaries not posting every kiss largely because you value the moment more than the likes.
Secrecy is different. Secrecy involves deception. If you actively lie about who you are with, or if you introduce your partner as "just a friend" to avoid questions, you have crossed from privacy into hiding. This erodes trust. If you are the "pocketed" partner, it can make you feel like a dirty secret or a backup plan.
"If you have to hide them, you either don't trust your choice in partner, or you don't trust your friends."
Real Scenarios: The "Jealous Friend" Trap
Sometimes, the problem isn't the partnerit's the friend. On forums like Reddit, thousands of users admit to hiding relationships because they have a Possessive Best Friend.
"My best friend hates everyone I date," one user writes. "She picks them apart until I break up with them. So this time, I just didn't tell her." In these cases, hiding the relationship is a defense mechanism to nurture a connection before it can be sabotaged.
How to Handle It
If you are the one hiding it: Ask yourself why. Are you protecting the relationship, or are you ashamed of it? If it's the latter, you need to re-evaluate why you are with them.
If you are being hidden: Demand a "Soft Launch." Ask to meet just one friend, or to be included in a casual group hang-out. If they refuse repeatedly without a valid safety reason, you might just be a secret they don't intend to keep.
